cancer

A Sad Farewell to Luna (2004-2016)

It is through tears and with the heaviest of hearts that we say goodbye to our beloved Luna. She passed away quietly and peacefully this afternoon.

Since suspending treatment, I have endeavored to keep her happy and comfortable and surrounded by love. The cancer continued to spread and over the past week it was clear just how much pain and difficulty she was in. It was my last gift to her to let her go and be free of the pain. Knowing that, it hasn’t made it any easier to say goodbye.

Luna and I were an inseparable team for over 11 years, years filled with love and fun and adventures. Over time, we became very in tune to each other’s emotions and needs, and have given one another strength and comfort through many challenges and crises. Indeed, she would always be able to instantly when I was sad or in pain, and come over to sit on my chest and provide comforting and healing purrs. This time she isn’t here to do that. Fortunately, I have friends and family, and this wonderful community around CatSynth to draw on. Thank you all for wonderful support you have given during the past year and a half, and beyond.

I am still processing what happened today, and only beginning the grieving process. I will have much more to say over the course of this coming week and in the weeks after that. For now, I leave you some music that speaks to this moment (including the track from Blackstar that we shared on Friday), as well as a modified Mourner’s Kaddish that I will be using, with both Hebrew transliteration and English translation.

RIP Luna (November 30, 2004 [est] – October 31, 2016)

Mourner’s Kaddish (Modified)

Yitga-dal v’yit-ka-dash sh’may raba,
v’yam leech mal-chu-tay,
b’alma deevra chi-roo-tay,
b’chai-yay-chon uv-yo-maychon, uv-cha-yay d’chol bayt yishvay tehval,
ba-a-ga-lah u-viz-man kareev, v’imru oh-meyn.

Y’hay sh’may ra-ba m’va-rach l’olam ool-ol-may ol-may-yah.

Yit-bar-rach v’yish-ta-bach, v’yit-pah-ar v’yit-ro-mam,
v’yit-na-say v’yit-ha-dar, v’yit-a-leh, v’yit’halal
sh’may d’kud sho b’richu;
l’ay-la min kol bir-chatah v’shee-rata,
tush-b’cha-ta v’ne-cheh-mah-tah, da-a-mee-ron b’alma,
v’imru, oh-meyn.

V’hay sh’lo-mo ra-ba min sh’may-yah,
v’chay-im olaynu v’yal kol yishvay tehval
v’imru, oh-mayn.

O-seh shalom bimromahv.
Hu ya-ah-seh shalom.

Aleynu v’yal kol yishvay tehval,
v’imru, oh-mayn.

Mourner’s Kaddish (Amended) — An English Translation

May it be magnified
and may it be sanctified
Your great name

in the world you created according to your will.
May the world establish and fulfill

in your life and in your days
and in the life of all creation

soon
and near in time
and say, Amen.

May your great name be praised
forever, and ever and ever.

May it be praised
and may it be blessed
and may it be glorified
and may it be upraised
and may it be elevated,

and may it be honored
and may it be exalted
and may it be extolled,

the name of the Holy One, Blessed Be,

beyond all words of praise, words of song,
words of blessing, and words of comfort
that are uttered in this world,
and say, Amen.

May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life, for us and for all G-d’s creation; and say, Amen.

May G-d who creates peace in the celestial heights, create peace for us and for all creation; and say, Amen.

Originally posted here]

Dollar Days, Blackstar, and Luna

David Bowie, Blackstar

A lot has already been written about David Bowie’s final album Blackstar. But it seems particularly poignant in a personal way at this moment in my life.

I should start by saying it’s a great album. I would even assert that it was his best since the classic albums of the 1970s. it mixes complex and dark elements with some catchy hooks like on Low. The jazz and fusion elements on Blackstar, which features a band led by saxophonist Donny McCaslin, also take me back to another of my favorites, Station to Station, with its funky vibe. Indeed, some of the initial responses to the album that focused on his use of a jazz band seemed to leave out the connection to his funky bands of the mid 1970s. But coming back to the present moment, it’s the song “Dollar Days” on Blackstar that seems to stand out the moment. It is melancholy and its verses feature ballad-like chord structure, descending root notes resolving back on itself. The chorus has a simultaneously anxious and soaring quality. And the lyrics seem to be self-reflective and prescient of his coming death just two days after the album’s release, especially when coupled with the next track “I Can’t Give Everything Away.”

Cash girls suffer me, I’ve got no enemies
I’m walking down
It’s nothing to meet
It’s nothing to see
If I’ll never see the English evergreens I’m running to
It’s nothing to meet
It’s nothing to see

I’m dying too
Push their backs against the grain
And fool them all again and again
I’m trying to
We bitches tear our magazines
Those oligarchs with foaming mouths come now and then
Can’t believe I just run second, now I’m forgetting you
I’m trying to
I’m dying too

Dollar days ’til final checks, honest scratching tails, the necks, I’m falling down
It’s nothing to meet
It’s nothing to see
If I’ll never see the English evergreens I’m running to
It’s nothing to meet
It’s nothing to see

I’m dying too
Push their backs against the grain
And fool them all again and again
I’m trying to
It’s all gone wrong for on and on
The bitter nerve is never enough, I’m falling down
Don’t believe in just one second round for getting you
I’m trying to
I’m dying too

Specifically, that line “If I’ll never see the English evergreens I’m running to” hits home. Bowie died in New York and had probably not seen the English evergreens in a while, and was aware that he likely wouldn’t. One part of Luna’s decline that has affected me greatly is the realization that we won’t experience some of our favorite things together anymore. Some have already gone, such as playing with toys, clamoring for favorite treats, and running up and down the stairs at night. I have no way of imagining what this feels like to her, but it can’t be good. And that, too, is a painful realization. Sadly, cats don’t have the ability to express their feelings in words, let alone with the lyricism and eloquence of David Bowie. The sharing of his thoughts about his mortality is one of the gifts in Blackstar, along with the music itself.

Luna’s continued decline has good days and bad, and we are spending as much time together as we can, including sitting on the floor and listening to music, cuddling and purring.

An update on Luna.

Luna on the beanbag chair

It’s a sad tale of two cats these days. Luna continues to herself, beautiful, elegant and enjoying the small sites and pleasures in the world, as in this photo taken Saturday of her sitting on her beanbag chair in the studio. Something out the window caught her attention.

At other times, however, it is impossible not to see her continuing decline. This was especially the case yesterday. She was tired, with very little energy, and getting a bit frightened and skittish – I can’t begin to imagine how frightening and disconcerting this experience is for her. But she still continues to enjoy a few of her low-energy favorite things, like sitting on her throne and getting pets and scritches.

Luna with throne and scritches.

We have moved the “throne” pillow to the floor as she prefers not to jump anymore. I have also spent more time sitting with her on the floor, even spending a portion of some nights sleeping not he floor with her. We are getting towards the end, painful as it is to admit it. But she is still holding onto life and our connection, and I want to make her remaining time as comfortable as possible. I love her very much, and want her to know that she is still loved.

It’s been difficult emotionally to deal with her illness and decline. I see the cat that I’ve known for years, and think of all the memories, and that it will come to an end in the near future. And that each meal, each small activity, takes on an added gravity. There is also a lot of anger. Some at myself for not noticing this early enough to head it off, probably in late 2014 or early 2015. Some of the anger is at the world, where horrible people are thriving while the sweetest creature I have ever known is facing an early and difficult death. It’s taking its toll. I will be pulling back a bit from live shows – and I will continue to work through the backlog of reviews and reports, so it will seem like I’m as busy as ever. But much of the time will in fact be with Luna over the coming weeks.

Thank you for your continued purrs, thoughts, and vibes. 💕

And Update on Luna – Purrs Needed

Luna had her monthly check-up yesterday, and the news wasn’t good. The cancer is continuing to spread. Slowly, but nonetheless spreading, including internally. As a result, I made the decision to stop the chemo. It clearly isn’t having the effect that we wanted, and it is making her miserable. It’s tough to decide to suspend treatment, but it seems like the best decision for her.

Indeed, in the short term she will probably feel much better. And that has been born out by her more lively behavior in the past 24 hours. I even caught her running around and exploring like a kitten this morning; and she has gone back to her delightfully diva behavior of demanding her favorite foods and attention from me. She does, however, lose stamina more quickly and needs to rest a lot.

Regular readers know I love Luna very much, and have tried to do the best for her I can. And now it seems the best is to keep her happy and comfortable and enjoy our time together. And of course spoil her rotten. She will get lots of love, attention, comfort, and the tastiest foods.

I neither believe in nor seek miracles, so our request for purrs and thoughts is to join us enjoying the time we will have together.

An Update on Luna

Luna on the sofa

We wanted to give you all an update on Luna and her health. But first, she wants to say hi to everyone.

She is definitely lower energy, though still very affectionate and every so often has a burst of energy and runs like a kitten. She continues to walk with a bit of a limp. Her appetite is good, though she now prefers wet food almost exclusively. It’s hard to tell changes in the cancer area – it doesn’t seem any worse, but it wasn’t good to begin with. Overall, she is better than she seemed over Labor Day weekend, when things seemed measured in days. Days have now turned to weeks. As long as she continues to seem happy and content, I am content to make sure she stays that way.

And she still gives of herself. In the midst of this perennially busy season and the current stresses, I broke down early on Saturday amidst depression and fatigue. Luna recognized this and came over to set with me and purr loudly, groom me and give head butts. She is the sweetest creature I have ever known, and I hope we can enjoy a bit more time together.

An Update on Luna (and myself)

Luna close-up portrait

Luna appears to have bounced back from the brink. She is eating regularly again, which an improvement from just a week ago. As a result, her energy and vigor have increased and she is moving around like normal.

Luna walking on the sofa

Her energy is still not as high as it was a month ago, but it is a great improvement over last weekend. And while it doesn’t change the fundamentals of the cancer and its seriousness, it does suggest that we will have some more time to enjoy together.

Luna’s small but significant improvements have helped me as well as I continue to recover. Things are starting to feel normal again. Indeed, look for some more music reviews in the coming week, now that I have resumed attending concerts. And we will get back to more of our regular “CatSynth pic” posts after a break this past week.

In the meantime, thank you everyone for your continued purrs and thoughts.

Purrs Needed for Luna

Luna on her pillow.

The news from Luna’s checkup this Friday was not good. After a couple of months where the cancer seemed to be in check, it has increased again. And she has lost considerable weight. This was itself pretty distressing, though I decided that we should continue the medication in the hope that is slowing cancer down. Over the weekend, however, she has seemed to go downhill. She has become very lethargic, and she has mostly stopped eating crunchy foods – though she still devours her wet food with a fair amount of enthusiasm.

On Saturday night, she seemed to be in a bad state, lying down next to me and refusing to budge – it almost felt that she was saying goodbye. She has rallied a bit since then. Under the theory that her eating problems and lethargy might be caused by nausea, I reintroduced the nausea medication on a regular basis. It will take a few days to know if nausea was in fact an issue. But it seems there is more going on that that – since mid-day today, she has started to walk with a bit of a limp. Though she does get up and move around, and even reasserted herself on her throne. And she can still project that modern elegance.

Luna looking artsy on her throne.

I have to prepare for the realization that we are in the twilight of Luna’s life. It could be a few months, it could be a few days. The goal is, as it has been all year, to give her the best quality of life I can for as long as I can. But I do feel somewhat powerless in that regard. I care for her, talk to her, and comfort her, but can’t fully understand what she is experiencing. And my own health issues over the past month – recovering from major surgery and its effects – have left me wondering if I missed warning signs that could have helped her because I was so focused on myself. I know Luna has been invaluable to me during this, even up through today providing love and comfort.

Luna providing comfort.

Through all of this, she hasn’t stopped purring loudly, giving me head buts, and kisses, and lending a paw like she did in the picture above.

We at CatSynth are not really the praying type, but we are the purring type and welcome your purrs and healing vibes for Luna. ❤️

An Update on Luna (and myself)

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Luna has been doing well with her current treatment. The pill-based chemotherapy has brought the disease to a standstill so things aren’t getting worse, and it hasn’t caused her any noticeable side effects. And she has been happy and healthy otherwise. She plays, basks in sun spots, and particularly likes curling up on soft surfaces like the blanket in the photo above.

As was the last about a year ago during her initial treatments, I am also recovering from my own medical adventures. Nothing that would cause concern, but it has required a lot of rest and a lot of patience (which has never been my strong suit). Luna’s health, vitality, and affection have been tremendous comforts as I recover. We truly help each other.

An Update on Luna

Luna napping

We got some unfortunate news the week after Luna’s visits to our regular vet and to our specialist. There has been a recurrence of the skin nodules, and possibly another mammary mass as well :(. This is not good news. But we will continue to do what we can for her. Our plan at this point is home chemotherapy for as long as needed, with the goal of arresting the growth of any cancer, and possibly shrinking it. It’s more “calling a truce” and keeping her healthy than aggressive attacks on the disease.

Luna herself is happy and healthy otherwise, her usual sweet and affectionate self. I am glad to see her enjoying life and seemingly unaffected by the disease. The goal is to keep her that way and have lots more time together. The complication right now is that it comes at a challenging juncture with my own medical issues – a story for another time – but we will make it work.

Thanks as always for your continued thoughts and purrs.

An Update On Luna

Since the skin surgery earlier this spring, Luna has been cancer free as far as we can tell. Indeed, after talking with our doctor we decided that there would be no need for another round of chemotherapy at this time! We will continue to monitor, and if future exams show any recurrence we will decide what to do from there. In the meantime, Luna is enjoying life and home and is thoroughly spoiled, including getting many of her favorite foods on demand.

Luna licking her chops

If there is one stress for her right now, is that I recently started a new job where I am back in an office. It’s been a tough adjustment for her, and it saddens me to see her stressed. We are both adapting and figuring it out – and I should be able to come play with her during breaks (the job is walking distance from CatSynth HQ here in San Francisco). I have very strong opinions about offices and working in teams, but those are best left for another day. After is, this as about Luna.

We love Luna!

Thank you all again for your thoughts and purrs. And hopefully we will be able to post more good news.