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Farewell to 2016: Annus Horribilis

2015 may have been a difficult year, but 2016 was a true annus horribilis. It was a year of loss. The graphic only represents a subset that we elegized in 2016 here on CatSynth. Some were personal, some were heroes, some symbolic. There were many deaths. A dark illiberal populist pall has been cast over the country and the world. But most of all, I am still grieving for the loss of our beloved Luna.

How does one keep going after a year like this? The answer I give to friends who have asked that question in the past is that we have no choice. Surviving is what we do, until that day when we don’t.

To be fair, there were many good things this year. Much good music and art that we have written about; career and personal life are much better now than they were a year ago as well. And we look forward to many adventures with our new cat Sam Sam in the coming years.

It’s hard to know what will come to in 2017. It’s a prime number, which brings us a modicum of joy. A see quite a bit of anxiety ahead, but also things to look forward to, including in January. We shall see…

Welcome Samantha!

Samantha

We at CatSynth are excited to introduce the newest member of our family. Samantha, aka “Sam Sam”, came to live with us one week ago today.

Samantha comes to us via our friends Michael de la Cuesta (of Vacuum Tree Head and Karen de la Cuesta. She has had a challenging few years, with multiple moves – she is well traveled throughout California – and the death of her long-time human followed by the move by her subsequent human into assisted living. I hope she can have a happy and stable life her at CatSynth HQ. She’s still a bit nervous from all the changes, but she is starting to come out more; and has shown herself to be a very sweet and affectionate cat.

She has been thoroughly exploring CatSynth HQ and finding her own places. Here we see her posing among the artworks on the staircase.

It will take a little time for to fully adjust to life her, but we think she is going to be happy. So please join us welcoming Sam Sam!

Thoughts on the Oakland Ghost Ship fire

Long time readers may know that fire is among my biggest fears. I fear fire in every rickety wooden space where I go to play or hear music. Most are fairly safe, with alarms, sprinklers and clear corridors. And even in those few cases where there weren’t, my attention shifted to the music, fellowship and always had a wonderful time. That’s why we go. It’s what we do, it’s what we love. We, artists, have no choice but to create and participate. It could have been any of us.

Oakland warehouse fire
[By Janna487 [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons]

By last count, the fire at the Ghost Ship in Oakland on December 2 claimed 36 lives. We at CatSynth send our thoughts and condolences to their families and close friends. I was worried for many dear friends who might have been there. They fortunately have all checked in safe in the week since, but they are grieving deeply in the aftermath for their friends who were lost. I feel for them, and try my best to remember those who perished with whom I crossed paths like Cherushii (aka Chelsea Dolan), Cash Askew, and others. But this is not my story. It is the story of my friends who knew them best. The personal remembrances they have posted are not mine to share. I did find this article helpful in understanding the victims better. Their stories are another reminder that it could have been any of us.

As we grieve, we in the arts community brace for a round of crackdowns on spaces, from both authorities and landlords. Ghost Ship was an outlier – most spaces while operating in the margins do more often than not operate with a concern for safety and cleanliness and civility. These are the spaces that are now under attack – it’s starting to happen beyond Oakland, with reports from New York, Denver, and here in SF. My own neighborhood in San Francisco was a warren of old factory buildings and warehouses that contained a thriving underground scene in the 1980s at a time when I just a kid in New York buying a first synth. I saw the waning days of that scene, with some of the last large artist-studio buildings being displaced in the past couple of years to make way for offices and condos. Fire is not necessary for authorities to displace artists, but it can certainly make it easier. But even the most safety-minded among us can’t compete easily in places when both the powerful and the populists do not value artists. New York has done better. The grim artists’ spaces of the lower east side may have long given way to boutiques, restaurants, and other upscale spaces but artists are still colonizing spaces and they have “paths to legality.” If authorities here want to help safety in a way that doesn’t show contempt for artists, a similar system of support for bringing things up to code and then operating would be useful as well.

Although I maybe starting to “age out” of some of the underground spaces of the Bay Area – even if my spirit wants to be there, my body and mind are not as enthusiastic – I still cherish many of my past experiences both as a performer and an attendee. My first time out and about in the world as Amanda was at a large warehouse space in West Oakland in 2011, and shortly afterwards I performed at a very nice space in an old factory in East Oakland as her. Some of my early shows in the mid 2000s at underground spaces in San Francisco were very informative for my solo practice today – a few of them even written up here on CatSynth, but I hesitate to link directly to them as authorities may use them in their crackdowns.

This is already a perilous time for those of us in marginalized communities, such as people of color and LGBTQ individuals. Coming together to create and enjoy, even in the edges of society, is one way we cope and thrive; and now we have to fear that may become more challenging as well. So some will forced further out to the edges. And another tragedy will happen.

It could have been any of us.

Bringing Luna Home

Today I brought Luna home, on what would have been her official 12th birthday. She has a place of honor on one of our most prominent shelves, with her remains as part of a shrine.

Her ashes are in the wooden box in the center. It has a picture frame, which I still have to fill. There were over 500 photos of Luna posted on CatSynth, and many more in my archives. It will take some time. To the right is her paw print, part of the normal custom from cremation of a beloved pet. And the small vial contains a bit of her beautiful fur that I saved from when she was alive.

She has good company, with her shrine between some of our prized feline objects: a large maneki neko from Tokyo and a cat silk painting from Suzhou in China.

To say this is emotional is an understatement. But I hope I continue to do my best by her remains and her memory.

Included with Luna’s remains was a lovely printed copy of the story of the Rainbow Bridge. As the Mourners’ Kaddish is to Jews, the story of the Rainbow Bridge is to animal lovers of all heritages. There are variations, but we reproduce this poetic version below.

By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill,
Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.

Where the friends of a man and woman do run,
When their time on earth is over and done.

For here, between this world and the next,
Is a place where each beloved creature finds a rest.

On this golden land, they wait and they play,
Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.

No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,
For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.

Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,
Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.

They romp through the grass, without even a care,
Until one day they start, and sniff at the air.

All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,
Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.

For just at that instant, their eyes have met;
Together again, both person and pet.

So they run to each other, these friends from long past,
The time of their parting is over at last.

The sadness they felt while they were apart.
Has turned into joy once more in each heart.

They embrace with a love that will last forever,
And then, side-by-side, they cross over… together.

We were helped through Luna’s end-of-life process by the wonderful people Golden Gate Home Hospice and Euthanasia. I found myself heading to their office yesterday to pick up Luna’s remains. They are located in the western part of San Francisco that includes the Sunset and Richmond districts. We often refer to them collectively as “The Avenues.” It’s a part of the city I rarely find myself in these days (although Luna’s general-practice vets were out there as well) but it long captivated me, even before I moved to the city.

It was a dreary, rainy day as I made my way towards the ocean on 19th Avenue, Lincoln Avenue, Sunset Boulevard and then Irving Street. Within sight of the water I stopped at bodega for some needed sustenance. The walls displayed pride in their Sunset neighborhood. The rain turned from a light drizzle to a heavy downpour as I left the bodega and headed to the Great Highway. I turned into Golden Gate Park by that bizarre windmill that symbolizes the western edge of the city. In the rain, the park was quiet and a deep green. I headed out of the park north on 25th Avenue towards Geary Boulevard in the Richmond and my final destination. The Russian heritage in the immediate neighborhood was unmistakable, from the large Orthodox church to the storefronts.

In the office, I was treated warmly and kindly, as any bereaved person should be. But right after picking up Luna’s box, a cat came out from the back of the office and created me enthusiastically, even chatting a bit. I was informed that she doesn’t give this treatment to everyone – knowing cats as well as I do, I don’t doubt that at all. In what was a dark and emotional time, it was a moment of delight to be once again in the presence of a cat.

RIP Sharon Jones (1956-2016)

When I discovered the album 100 Days 100 Nights in 2009, it was a breath of fresh air. It was a time when my life was very oriented towards Asia and my own Asian heritage, but musically I was returning to the funk and soul music that I have long adored and wished to play myself. Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings fit perfectly into that milieu. The songs, especially the title track and “Tell Me” quickly became part of my regular rotation. The strength of music is of course mostly due to Ms Jones and the band, but the production also intrigued me, as they went back to some of the technologies that made those earlier records. Both the physical artifact and the music references James Brown, one of our musical heroes, and the band intersects other more recent favorites such as Amy Winehouse and The Budos Band.

Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings
[By Jacob Blickenstaff [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons]

Sharon Jones’ battle with cancer, which ultimately took her life this past week, also hits home for us at the moment. She had a long fight that included remission and optimism only to watch it come roaring back. It’s a painfully familiar story for us at CatSynth.

Tributes for Luna

It’s been five days since Luna left us. I am still having a hard time processing that she is gone. But I have been very touched and humbled by the outpouring of love for her and sympathy for us. There have been a few tribute posts as well, and we share them below.

The Cat Blogosphere has long posted memorials for blogging cats when they pass away. We have shared a few of those over the years on this site. This time we were on the receiving end, with this beautiful graphic and a very sweet post.

Luna is an icon of the Cat Blogosphere, and will be sorely missed. Fly free, sweet girl.

Our friends Elvira, Kiril, Sneakers, Friday and Nikita at Opinionated Pussycat have dedicated a full post to Luna.

The beauty and grace of Luna so finely complimented the beauty and grace of the instruments her human blogged about and the music and art her human created and shared (the photo above is from 2010).

Her presence complimented perfectly the contributions CatSynth made, as frequent contributor and host, to 3 of the earliest and best of the pet blogging share fests, all about cats, Carnival of the Cats, Weekend Cat Blogging, and Bad Kitty Cats Festival of Chaos, for many years, beginning in the summer of 2007…CatSynth first hosted CoTC with #189.

Music & art shows, travel, photography, cats, synthesizers, sass and grace.

And finally, our dear friend and supporter at matrixsynth have a post for Luna.

Certain pets more so than others. JD was one of them, and I know Luna was as well. They let you become who you want to be. They are your confidante in life. Loosing them feels like loosing a part of yourself. Luna will not only be missed by her owner and friend Amanda, but by those of us that have enjoyed her virtual company online through numerous posts on CatSynth, and a few here on MATRIXSYNTH. We will never forget you Luna!

Never forget, indeed! Thank you all for all your kind words and support as we grieve and move forward. 🎶 💕

Dollar Days, Blackstar, and Luna

David Bowie, Blackstar

A lot has already been written about David Bowie’s final album Blackstar. But it seems particularly poignant in a personal way at this moment in my life.

I should start by saying it’s a great album. I would even assert that it was his best since the classic albums of the 1970s. it mixes complex and dark elements with some catchy hooks like on Low. The jazz and fusion elements on Blackstar, which features a band led by saxophonist Donny McCaslin, also take me back to another of my favorites, Station to Station, with its funky vibe. Indeed, some of the initial responses to the album that focused on his use of a jazz band seemed to leave out the connection to his funky bands of the mid 1970s. But coming back to the present moment, it’s the song “Dollar Days” on Blackstar that seems to stand out the moment. It is melancholy and its verses feature ballad-like chord structure, descending root notes resolving back on itself. The chorus has a simultaneously anxious and soaring quality. And the lyrics seem to be self-reflective and prescient of his coming death just two days after the album’s release, especially when coupled with the next track “I Can’t Give Everything Away.”

Cash girls suffer me, I’ve got no enemies
I’m walking down
It’s nothing to meet
It’s nothing to see
If I’ll never see the English evergreens I’m running to
It’s nothing to meet
It’s nothing to see

I’m dying too
Push their backs against the grain
And fool them all again and again
I’m trying to
We bitches tear our magazines
Those oligarchs with foaming mouths come now and then
Can’t believe I just run second, now I’m forgetting you
I’m trying to
I’m dying too

Dollar days ’til final checks, honest scratching tails, the necks, I’m falling down
It’s nothing to meet
It’s nothing to see
If I’ll never see the English evergreens I’m running to
It’s nothing to meet
It’s nothing to see

I’m dying too
Push their backs against the grain
And fool them all again and again
I’m trying to
It’s all gone wrong for on and on
The bitter nerve is never enough, I’m falling down
Don’t believe in just one second round for getting you
I’m trying to
I’m dying too

Specifically, that line “If I’ll never see the English evergreens I’m running to” hits home. Bowie died in New York and had probably not seen the English evergreens in a while, and was aware that he likely wouldn’t. One part of Luna’s decline that has affected me greatly is the realization that we won’t experience some of our favorite things together anymore. Some have already gone, such as playing with toys, clamoring for favorite treats, and running up and down the stairs at night. I have no way of imagining what this feels like to her, but it can’t be good. And that, too, is a painful realization. Sadly, cats don’t have the ability to express their feelings in words, let alone with the lyricism and eloquence of David Bowie. The sharing of his thoughts about his mortality is one of the gifts in Blackstar, along with the music itself.

Luna’s continued decline has good days and bad, and we are spending as much time together as we can, including sitting on the floor and listening to music, cuddling and purring.

An update on Luna.

Luna on the beanbag chair

It’s a sad tale of two cats these days. Luna continues to herself, beautiful, elegant and enjoying the small sites and pleasures in the world, as in this photo taken Saturday of her sitting on her beanbag chair in the studio. Something out the window caught her attention.

At other times, however, it is impossible not to see her continuing decline. This was especially the case yesterday. She was tired, with very little energy, and getting a bit frightened and skittish – I can’t begin to imagine how frightening and disconcerting this experience is for her. But she still continues to enjoy a few of her low-energy favorite things, like sitting on her throne and getting pets and scritches.

Luna with throne and scritches.

We have moved the “throne” pillow to the floor as she prefers not to jump anymore. I have also spent more time sitting with her on the floor, even spending a portion of some nights sleeping not he floor with her. We are getting towards the end, painful as it is to admit it. But she is still holding onto life and our connection, and I want to make her remaining time as comfortable as possible. I love her very much, and want her to know that she is still loved.

It’s been difficult emotionally to deal with her illness and decline. I see the cat that I’ve known for years, and think of all the memories, and that it will come to an end in the near future. And that each meal, each small activity, takes on an added gravity. There is also a lot of anger. Some at myself for not noticing this early enough to head it off, probably in late 2014 or early 2015. Some of the anger is at the world, where horrible people are thriving while the sweetest creature I have ever known is facing an early and difficult death. It’s taking its toll. I will be pulling back a bit from live shows – and I will continue to work through the backlog of reviews and reports, so it will seem like I’m as busy as ever. But much of the time will in fact be with Luna over the coming weeks.

Thank you for your continued purrs, thoughts, and vibes. 💕

And Update on Luna – Purrs Needed

Luna had her monthly check-up yesterday, and the news wasn’t good. The cancer is continuing to spread. Slowly, but nonetheless spreading, including internally. As a result, I made the decision to stop the chemo. It clearly isn’t having the effect that we wanted, and it is making her miserable. It’s tough to decide to suspend treatment, but it seems like the best decision for her.

Indeed, in the short term she will probably feel much better. And that has been born out by her more lively behavior in the past 24 hours. I even caught her running around and exploring like a kitten this morning; and she has gone back to her delightfully diva behavior of demanding her favorite foods and attention from me. She does, however, lose stamina more quickly and needs to rest a lot.

Regular readers know I love Luna very much, and have tried to do the best for her I can. And now it seems the best is to keep her happy and comfortable and enjoy our time together. And of course spoil her rotten. She will get lots of love, attention, comfort, and the tastiest foods.

I neither believe in nor seek miracles, so our request for purrs and thoughts is to join us enjoying the time we will have together.

An Update on Luna

Luna on the sofa

We wanted to give you all an update on Luna and her health. But first, she wants to say hi to everyone.

She is definitely lower energy, though still very affectionate and every so often has a burst of energy and runs like a kitten. She continues to walk with a bit of a limp. Her appetite is good, though she now prefers wet food almost exclusively. It’s hard to tell changes in the cancer area – it doesn’t seem any worse, but it wasn’t good to begin with. Overall, she is better than she seemed over Labor Day weekend, when things seemed measured in days. Days have now turned to weeks. As long as she continues to seem happy and content, I am content to make sure she stays that way.

And she still gives of herself. In the midst of this perennially busy season and the current stresses, I broke down early on Saturday amidst depression and fatigue. Luna recognized this and came over to set with me and purr loudly, groom me and give head butts. She is the sweetest creature I have ever known, and I hope we can enjoy a bit more time together.